Are you judgmental of your partner without realizing it?

Is it possible to inadvertently judge your partner in your relationship, even when you think you are not being judgmental?

Maybe sometimes you minimize his feelings and other times you acknowledge them. 

For example, he is feeling down because he has work stress because the company is going through some big changes.  He confides in you that he is feeling down and is concerned about the future of the company.  You remember you once went through something similar and it all worked out fine for you, so you wave your hand and say get up let’s go out to dinner you’ll feel better.  Then when he is sad because he wasn’t able to spend his daughter’s or son’s birthday with her or him, you remember you once missed your son’s birthday when you were traveling and you felt sad, so you give your partner a hug and lovingly say you really understand how he feels.  

The thing is, if your partner is feeling something, whatever it is, it is real for him in that moment.  Even if you yourself would not feel the same way in that situation, that doesn’t mean his feelings are not genuine and important.  When you validate some of his feelings (the ones you agree with) and not all of them (not the ones where you would not feel the same), you are placing your own judgment on which circumstances are worthy of these feelings.  

How would you feel if he supported you in some things you were experiencing while minimizing other things that seemed very important to you?  

Maybe you have a migraine and you want him to hold you close and comfort you but he says it’s just a headache and it’s not life threatening, you will feel better tomorrow.  How do you feel?  Not so good probably.  Not very supported since in that moment you feel awful.  

What can you do to not judge him?

You can let him know that you understand what he is feeling is real.  You can listen and hear him.  You can offer your support.  He may just want to know you are there to listen and are a loving support in his life.  Ask him if there is anything you can do to support him.

Realizing that what is important to one person may not be exactly the same as another person takes awareness.  Everyone is unique.  When you can really embrace the uniqueness of others and not assume people will feel the same way you would, that is real growth.