Judgment

You may be inadvertently judging your teen or young adult child, even when you think you are not being judgmental.

Maybe sometimes you minimize their feelings and other times you acknowledge them. 

For example, your twenty- four year old son confides in you that he is feeling down because he didn’t get the apartment he really wanted and is concerned he won’t find something he really likes.  You remember you once went through something similar and it all worked out fine for you, so you wave your hand and say it will be fine there are lots of apartments, cheer up.  Then when he is sad because he wasn’t able to spend his birthday doing something nice because he was sick, you remember how important birthdays are to you and that when you have been sick on your birthday you felt sad, so you give your son a hug and lovingly say you really understand how he feels.  

The thing is, if your son or daughter is feeling something, whatever it is, it is real for them in that moment.  Even if you yourself would not feel the same way in that situation, that doesn’t mean their feelings are not genuine and important.  When you validate some of their feelings (the ones you agree with) and not all of them (not the ones where you would not feel the same), you are placing your own judgment on which circumstances are worthy of these feelings.  

How would you feel if your parents supported you in some things you were experiencing while minimizing other things that seemed very important to you?  Not so good probably.  Not very supported if in the moment that you feel awful.  

What can you do to not judge your teen or young adult child?

You can let them know that you understand what they are feeling is real.  You can listen and hear them.  You can offer your support.  They may just want to know you are there to listen and are a loving support in their life.  Ask them if there is anything you can do to support them.

Realizing that what is important to one person may not be exactly the same as another person takes awareness.  Everyone is unique.  When you can really embrace the uniqueness of your son or daughter and not assume they will feel the same way you would, that is real growth.  

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