Grieving the loss of how your child was and how life was prior to their mental illness and addiction

If you have a child with mental illness and addiction, you undoubtedly know that life is different now than it was prior to their illness and addiction.  They may seem like a different person. You may have a different relationship with them. You probably have different thoughts and struggles.  They may not be on the same path with their lives that they once were or that you hoped for them.

All of this may be causing you pain, sadness, anger, overwhelm, hopelessness. 

What I realized when my son was still here and struggling with his illness and addiction, is that there was a loss that I needed to work on grieving.  Even though he was still with me at the time and we had a close relationship, there was a loss I was experiencing.  He had such a normal childhood and early teen years and many friends and accomplishments and I had high hopes for him.  Life didn’t turn out the way I had hoped or expected.  His actions and reactions, behaviors, and choices were different.  I sometimes wondered where that little boy and young teen was…was he still there inside?  All the childhood memories came flooding back and I began to grieve the loss of who he was before his illness and addiction.  I knew his heart and soul were the same, but his behaviors, thoughts, actions, and abilities were different.  

Everyone’s child is unique.  And everyone’s loss they are experiencing is unique. But most likely it is advantageous to work on healing your grief over the loss of how life with your child was before mental illness and addiction. 

There is a loss you are dealing with and it is so important for your well-being to acknowledge that loss so you can work toward healing it.  Because most likely it is causing you to have some level  of pain and suffering. 

Grief is a reflection of the love you have for your child.  The goal is accepting the reality of their life now and remembering your child prior to illness with more love than pain. 

You may be dealing with denial, anger, and sadness that become too difficult to feel, but the only way to move through these emotions is to feel them.  Make friends with these emotions. Bring in lots of self-love and self-care.  Acceptance of a new reality does not mean you have to want this, it just means you are acknowledging the facts of the situation and not focusing your energy on why it should not be that way – you stop the battle within you to fight against what has already happened. 

Sending love and light,

Debbie