Certainty plus uncertainty

Certainty is one of the six needs we have…it means something you can count on, predictability, stability…even commitment.  

We need some degree of certainty in our lives and relationships…how much depends on each individual.  

You can meet this need for yourself by having routines and structure in your day, week, life.  Predictable things you can count on.  

So if certainty is a need in a relationship, why do we also need uncertainty too?   Maybe this doesn’t feel good to hear.  Maybe you think you don’t want any uncertainty in your relationship.  

What if you think of uncertainty as variety and unpredictability…this is a positive way to think about it.  

Uncertainty actually helps to build and maintain attraction in a relationship.  Which is especially important early on in the relationship, but is also important throughout.  

When you maintain some mystery, some unpredictability in living your life, this adds to the interplay of certainty and uncertainty that fuels attraction in your relationship.   

When everything you do in your life and your relationship and everything your partner does becomes predictable, while this can foster feelings of love and warmth by meeting the need for certainty, this can become boring over time and attraction can diminish.   Maintaining some newness, spontaneity, excitement, unpredictability…all create some polarity and a healthy space for attraction.  And a natural balance of warmth and distance.  

You can create this by connecting with yourself because when you focus on you, you become focused on doing a variety of activities that are important to you.  When you lose focus on your own life and only focus on your partner, you disconnect with what makes you, you.  Your uniqueness that you bring to the relationship. Also when you lose focus on you, you lose touch with your lighter energy and more spontaneous and playful side because you are too worried about what others think.  

So connect with you…what makes you unique, what brings you joy, what lightens your energy…connect with this and live from this space.